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Clouds Over My Cock: DJ ChocliXxX Remembers Final Fantasy VII

July 14, 2009 in Remembrances by DJChoclixxx | 3 comments

OK, so I had a thing for Cloud. I admit it.  And don’t act like a lot of y’all didn’t because we all know how that shit worked out.  I watched the relationship between Aerith and Tifa unfold and Cloud seemed so damn uninterested the whole time… Or was that me that seemed so uninterested in Aerith?  Regardless, Final Fantasy VII had a huge impact on my sexuality as I was going through my teenage years in high school.

No, that sword does not suggest anything.

No, that sword does not suggest anything.

Growing up in Georgia, I seemed to always fall for the “uninterested” one.  You know, the one that was nice to you but seemed to not be interested in sex at all (with a male OR female at that) and thus forcing one to masturbate consistently to the sexy man’s image until it was confirmed that he either A) had no interest in you whatsoever B) had no interest in men whatsoever or C)  had no interest in anyone whatsoever.  Maybe I just enjoyed the challenge?  I remember pleading with some of the guys I grew up with: “You have a dick! Use it! If not on me then on one of these women!”  I digress.

It was hard to not fall for Cloud when you controlled him over the span of 3 discs and got to choose his every movement.  Lord knows how many times I tried to get Cloud to drop them drawers.  And I felt for Tifa as I thought that she would never get the man she loved.  It was obvious that Cloud was about that paper (or “materia”) and no one was going to get in the way.  He could have at least gave Tifa some satisfaction and gone down on her!

Barret: Big man, big guns, small crotch

Barret: Big man, big guns, small crotch

And Cloud wasn’t the only one! It’s no secret to those who know me that I have a thing for facial hair and *ahem* burly men.  I’m talking about men who look like they can cut down a tree with an ax… Or their teeth.  Anyway, I secretly hoped that Barrett would take the reigns and just lay the dick down and tell Cloud to take it! Never happened. But a boy could dream.

Gay gamers know the best part of FFVII too:  We got to dress Cloud up in DRAG.  This was my first encounter (and most certainly not my last) with drag and I remember being very particular about which panties I won from the contest in the slums (in the game).  If it wasn’t the most fancy, I would restart my PSX and do it all over again!  I made Don choose Cloud over Tifa and it gave me a sense of satisfaction that’s only second to an orgasm that disappears in an anal cavity. Alas, it was over all so soon when he ripped the dress off and whipped out his sword…

"Must hide my raging boner...."

"Must hide my raging boner...."

So before I actually had a real boyfriend, I had Cloud and Barrett.  They were good substitutes and I thank Square for creating the characters. Now all Square has to do is come out with a remix of the best role playing game ever and give us a little more freedom with the characters.  And by freedom, I mean having Barrett fuck Cloud. HARD.

DJ Choclixxx is based in LA. He’s available for parties, clubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs and orgies. You can find out more about him and hear his mixtapes at http://www.djchoclixxx.com.

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Burly Men Touch Each Other In Marvel Vs Capcom 2

July 6, 2009 in Screenshots by Sam Saturday | No comments

Today Capcom sent out a fresh batch of screenshots from the upcoming downloadable release of MvC2. Lucky for us they feature big boys Zangief and The Hulk getting it on. If you like cartoon muscle men then these shots are for you. Let’s take a look at some manly sexiness.

The re-release will be out later this summer for Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network. I remember playing this game on the Dreamcast almost a decade ago. Talk about crazy action. It barely made any sense then and I bet it makes even less sense now. Still, I’m anxious to see how it holds up. Especially if I can use the game to fulfill my bulging pectoral fantasies. ;)

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My Unhealthy Attraction to Dante

July 2, 2009 in characters by Sam Saturday | 1 comment

Very few game characters do it for me like the Devil May Cry series’ protagonist Dante. After soaking up all I could from the pre-release demo, I played the original DMC as soon as Capcom put it out in 2001 for the PS2. Immediately I was hooked, not just to the series but to its star as well. Dante was a hot bad-ass with a sword, big guns, boots and a red leather coat. Plus he was half-demon, which is right up my alley.

You cannot stop the hotness.

You cannot stop the hotness.

It wasn’t just Dante’s looks that got me. His cocky attitude and crazy fighting techniques seemed so original at the time. The reason the term “Devil May Cry clone” exists is because this game oozed style and intensity. And plus he had great lines, like telling a giant owl to “Flock-off, feather-face!” Awesome.

Thanks to the success of the original, Capcom decided to continue Dante’s adventures. Unfortunately Devil May Cry 2 was a largely forgettable experience, mostly because Capcom made Dante less exciting and quieter. But in 2005, Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening took the series back to the classic. They made Dante younger and cockier, and the fighting was harder and crazier. I was thrilled. His DMC3 look is still my favorite version of him.

In fact, I’ve yet to play Devil May Cry 4, mostly because half the game doesn’t even star Dante. What’s the point of that, you Capcom fools!? Give me more Dante! Sometimes at video game stores I look at the racks just in case there’s something new there. It’s not like I wouldn’t have already heard about a new DMC game, but then again, maybe I’ll find something magical. And that magic would make Dante real. And then he and I can run away together and get married and fuck until we’re both blue. Omigod, please someone, draw me a naked Dante. I bet his cock is all shaved and smooth and tastes like supernatural candy–AHEM. Pardon me. Moving on….

In between selling comic books I actually spent a good deal of time at last year’s San Diego Comic-Con searching for just the right Dante statue or action figure.  Sadly, none that I found lived up to my fantasies. So the hunt for something amazing will be on again at this year’s show! And as for the games, I continue to wish for Devil May Cry 5: Pantsless Sunday.

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Noted Bisexuals: Villains of the Metal Gear Universe

June 25, 2009 in characters by Sam Saturday | 4 comments

Very few mainstream game series are as aggressively weird as Konami’s  Metal Gear series. Well, maybe the Mario games, with their freaking mushrooms and rainbows and Koopas and whatnot, but they’re not pretending to be reality. Metal Gear games, on the other hand, seem to totally get off by basing themselves in reality and then completely blowing that notion to smithereens.

Take, for instance, the 2001 release Metal Gear Solid 2:  Sons of Liberty. After the success of 1998’s Metal Gear Solid, series creator Hideo Kojima knew the followup would have a lot to live up to.  So it was with much controversy that he broke fans’ minds by not having the sequel star the beloved Solid Snake. But after getting over that initial shock, this gamer had something else to scratch his head over: Vamp.

"I'm not a vampire; I'm bisexual, bitch!"

"I'm not a vampire; I'm bisexual, bitch!"

Vamp was one of the harder bosses of MGS2. He looks like a vampire, has fangs like a vampire, and is seemingly unkillable (like a vampire!). However, during a CODEC sequence between the game’s star Raiden and another character, it is revealed that Vamp was not given his name because he’s a vampire, but because he’s bi. At the time I was a 21-year-old, in-the-closet bisexual, and this totally blew my mind. Why the fuck did they make him bi? What did this have to do with the game? Why was this information thrown out there so casually?

I still don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t recall Vamp ever showing any romantic feelings for either male or female characters. So why did his sexuality matter? Is Kojima secretly bi, and this is his way of  making the statement that bisexuals can be badass? I suppose that’s wishful thinking on my part. But I don’t think it’s entirely unfounded, especially when you take into account this next character.

Colonel Volgin! The evil, red-jumpsuit-wearing villain from 2004’s Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. In between fits of rage and shooting lightning out of his body, that guy totally banged dudes and chicks alike. Unlike Vamp, Volgin actually made his sexuality obvious. At one point MGS3 star Naked Snake (the future Big Boss) was disguised as Volgin’s male lover, Major Raikov. During this sequence Volgin was able to determine that Snake was not Raikov by simply grabbing onto Snake’s bulging package. Seriously, that guy knew his junk!

"Fear my giant penis rocket!"

"Fear my giant penis rocket!"

So what did it all mean? “Naked Snake” fighting an evil bi colonel? This could not have been simply a case of coincidence. I maintain that Kojima was trying to make a some sort of statement. I’m just not sure what. I mean, just look at the game’s subtitle: Snake Eater! Come on, Konami! How much more obvious can you get? Either Kojima loves himself some dudes, or he completely fears them. Or maybe he’s just an auteur who likes to mess with his fans. Either way, I have to give credit to the man for bringing bisexuals into the spotlight in his games.

Now if only we could have some bisexual heroes…

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