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Mass Effect 2 - Subject ZeroZounds! Two new ladies in one day?? Magical! This one’s named Subject Zero and she’ll be in Mass Effect 2. Let’s look at some pretty pictures of her.

Tattoos? Shaved head? Straps barely covering her boobs? Awesome. Fan reaction over her seems to be mixed, but I think she’s rad. Unlike Street Fighter’s Juri, who hurts people with her feet, Subject Zero hurts people with guns and her foul, foul language. Check it out!

Maybe she’s got a little too much “baditude,” but I don’t care. I’m just  smitten by her haircut. I can’t wait for her and CathyJones Shepard to get it on!

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Hello, folks. Yes, I’m still thinking about Mass Effect. In case you missed it, here are my first impressions and here is my review.  I hadn’t gotten around to the game’s sex scene when I wrote my early impressions and I only sort of talked about it in my review. Now that those are out of the way I’m going to talk about the sex exclusively. So let’s get to it!

Why The Sex Was Great

As I said I my review, it took me around 17 hours of gameplay to reach the sex scene. By the time my hero, CathyJones Shepard, got around to making sweet love to the blue Asari alien, Liara, I’d felt like the two characters had made a real emotional connection. The dialogue was exceptionally well-written for a game. In the course of conversation the various dialogue choices I was given leading up to the women’s mating felt natural as well as strategic (myself purposefully aiming for sex between the two).

Through the dialogue the women expressed how they cared for one another and how they didn’t want their lives to end before physically expressing their feelings. The sex scene was tame and even a little short. Much shorter than what you’d see in a film with similar content. But having it short made the affair feel like it was done more for the emotional context of the story and less for titillation (which is probably completely unrealistic from a sales and marketing perspective, but that’s the way I felt after watching it).

I can’t stress enough how great a decision I think it was that Bioware made getting to the sex a long process. If Mass Effect had made it easy to sleep with any number of characters quickly and easily, the sex would have lost all emotional resonance. As it was, the game made the player not only work toward the sex through lengthy dialogue sequences, but also made the player choose which specific character they wanted to pursue. Having choices made the outcome feel that much more important.

Why The Sex Was Not Great

I admit it: By the end of Mass Effect’s story I had come to really care about Liara. I wanted CathyJones Shepard to fight for the woman she loved, save the galaxy, and run off with her to make blue babies. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

Sure, Shepard fought and saved the galaxy, but in my game she was never reunited with Liara. I specifically left Liara behind, out of the final battle, to make sure she survived the story. I had no idea that this decision would cause me to never see her again. Why didn’t she appear during, or after, the final dialogue sequence, running into Shepard’s arms? Why was there no victory kiss? Why was there no “We saved the universe together, babe” speech? I felt ripped-off that Liara had mysteriously vanished.

I wasn’t just mad that Shepard didn’t get to see her lover again. I was especially peeved that I was awarded an Achievement directly after the sex scene was over. The Achievement is called “Paramour” and it is awarded when you “complete any romance subplot.” This is very disturbing to me.

Mass Effect - WomenHaving the sex be the culmination of the a romance subplot very says to me that Bioware was not as interested in giving the game an emotional center as they were with titillation. Shouldn’t someone there have known that the end of intercourse is not the same as the end of romance?

There’s only a couple reasons why you would fuck someone once and then no longer have any romantic interest in them. For one, the sex could have been so awful you’d never want to see them again. Or two, you’re an addict who never feels any emotional connection to sex. I can confidently say that neither one of these reasons fit CathyJones Shepard.

I can only assume that Mass Effect’s designers were more focused on gaining publicity from having sex in their game than they were on fleshing out any real emotion. If the Paramour Achievement was awarded, say, after the lovers decided to spend their lives together, or conversely, after breaking up, I could see either of those options as legitimate ends to a romance subplot. But getting to the sex and then having the game say “Well, glad that’s over with,” felt like a slap in the face.

For The Future

Bioware has stated that some of the decisions players made in Mass Effect will carry over to the upcoming sequel. I can only hope this will include the romance subplots. It would be quite sad if I had spent all this time building love between Shepard and Liara, only to have it never spoken of again. If that were to happen, Mass Effect 2 would be little more than a James Bond-style story, where the sexual encounters in one episode are rarely (if ever) remembered in future entries. Let’s hope Bioware doesn’t take Mass Effect down this route.

I do think Bioware should be commended for their efforts. Gaming in general will benefit because Mass Effect brought sexuality in games to mainstream audiences in a big way. More people will now be more accepting of sex and romance in games. Mass Effect isn’t the first game to put such a focus on sex and romance, but it may turn out to be one of the most important.

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After about nineteen hours I’ve finally finished Mass Effect’s main story. Everything I said in my impressions at the seven-hour mark still holds true. Technically the game is janky, the elevators suck, the combat’s not great, but the story and characters are interesting enough to make up for those problems. And thanks to Mass Effect’s great writing I ended up really loving the game. I was shocked.

The Good

Mass Effect box

As I said in my impressions, I wasn’t a fan of Bioware’s last game, Knights of the Old Republic. When I first started Mass Effect I was reminded of a lot of the things I didn’t like about KOTOR. I’m not really much of a sci-fi fan either. And at the beginning of the game I found fiction and back story of Mass Effect’s universe to be overwhelming and uninteresting. But as I played the game and invested time in its characters I really came to like the world that Bioware created. It’s not the most originally science fiction I’ve ever heard, but the characters they put into that world do a great job bringing it to life.

My hero, CathyJones Shepard, is a tough-talking, strong-willed, in-your-face soldier. I feel like she’s the character I want her to be, not some vague contrivance of stats and experience points. Yes, Mass Effect’s characters do have gamey stats, XP, and skills to monitor, but thanks to the game’s Casual mode I was able to ignore most of that stuff. Sure, I may not have played Mass Effect like a “hardcore gamer,” but I wasn’t playing it so I could deal with points. I played it in such a way that I could just enjoy the story. I’m glad that Bioware decided to include that mode as an option.

As I played through Mass Effect and upgraded my characters, a lot of the technical issues that got in my way early on ceased to matter. The combat became less frustrating because my squad could win firefights more easily. Even late in the game I still didn’t like driving the six-wheeled Mako land-rover around. However I learned how to avoid battles with it and I could use it to rush to the parts of the game I enjoyed more. Sure, it kind of sucks having to learn how to avoid lame sections of a game, but as least the game allows me to do so.

The one thing in Mass Effect that I really loved is the interactive conversations. Getting to talk back and forth with NPC’s, in the order I chose, was a lot of fun. And it’s a good think was fun, because dialogue is a huge part of Mass Effect. I’d say conversations took up at least half of my playtime. Sure, after a while I the rhythms of the conversations all started to feel the same, but I rarely found them uninteresting. More often than not I was fully engaged with the NPC I was questioning. I had just as much fun talking with characters in Mass Effect as I’ve had playing some of my favorite shooters. I can’t wait to see how this is expanded upon in the sequel.

The Bad

I almost banged this guy.

I almost banged this guy...

As I’ve repeatedly said, Mass Effect’s technical problems really suck. Sometimes the game gets all jittery during combat. Sometimes the Mako gets stuck on corners, rocks or hills. Riding elevators takes forever. The graphics often look weird while textures load in. None of this stuff is a game-breaker though. It’s just a shame that the game shipped in this state, and it’s even more bothersome that none of this was corrected afterwards with a patch.

Although I really liked the story and dialogue, some of it felt pretty disjointed. I’ll give an example: At one point in the game a fairly significant male character died. A little while later I was on my ship chatting with a female character and she made some comment about having a crush on the dead guy, as if he was still alive. I nearly shouted at my TV “You stupid game! He’s dead!” It’s weird to me that Bioware would spend so much time crafting interesting dialogue options, only to let weird things like that slip through the cracks.

Speaking of things being disjointed, the various features of Mass Effect all felt disconnected from one another. It was like the shooting goes here, the driving goes there, the talking goes here and the galaxy exploration goes over there. The different pieces never seemed to affect each other. Despite all that the game was still an enjoyable whole.

The Sexy

...but I banged her instead.

...but I banged her instead.

Upon its release, much was made of Mass Effect’s “romance subplots” and sex scene. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a major reason I decided to play the game. It’s a good thing I enjoyed it (for the most part).

At specific times on your space ship you can talk with the members of your squad and get to know them as individuals. Happily, Bioware decided to throw some sexiness into the mix. I had a great time picking the dialogue options that would steer the conversations away from plot exposition and towards flirting. Trying to figure out just the right thing to say in order to get CathyJones Shepard laid could have been a whole game unto itself. It was definitely my favorite part of Mass Effect.

Since the game allowed me to make advances toward multiple members of my squad at the time, I started to feel like I was playing a sexy soap opera. Sometimes CathyJones would be more into this girl, or sometimes she would prefer this other guy. Sometimes both a girl and a guy would respond to her flirtations. At one point the game made me choose between my two main love interests and I really felt torn. It was a tough choice, but I ended up sticking with my hot blue alien girlfriend. By the end of the game I actually felt a little emotional towards her. Especially after the sex scene.

This is roughly what CathyJones Shepard looks like.

This is roughly what CathyJones Shepard looks like.

And what a sex scene it was! Sure, it wasn’t any more explicit than what you’d see in a PG-13 movie. In fact, it may have been a little less so, considering there was barely any nudity involved. But the fact that it took around 17 hours to reach that point made the sex feel that much more climactic. It would have lacked an emotional impact had it happened earlier in the game.

Unfortunately Bioware seems to have missed the point they were trying to make. There was no wrap-up to the romance subplot. Once the sex happens there’s no more romance in the game. I didn’t even see my blue girl again after the sex. Sure, I could have picked her to come with me on my final mission, but I decided to leave her behind to keep her safe. How come the game didn’t acknowledge that, huh? Where’s my bonus sex for saving the galaxy? There wasn’t even a simple “good job” kiss with tongue! Nothing!

In the end I liked Mass Effect despite all its quirks. The story was engaging, the characters were cool and the sex was good.  I may even go back and play it again just to see who else I can bang. And it’s going to $20 right now, so if you haven’t played it yet I can’t think of a better time to pick it up.

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Hey, guess what? I’m finally playing Mass Effect. Yes yes, I know I’m late to the party. But I figured it was about time I learned for myself what all the fuss was about. Right now I’m about seven hours in, so it seems like a good time to stop and gather my thoughts.

Mass Effect boxThe last Bioware game I played was Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. People loved that game, but not me. Back in 2006 I played it for about a dozen hours before finally giving up in frustration. I thought it had an okay story but it was slow and I couldn’t get past the shitty technical problems. So you can’t call me a Bioware fan.

Well now I’m onto Mass Effect because for $20 for a new copy, why not? And hey, this game has some of the same shitty technical problems like Knights of the Old Republic, but at least there’s less of them. However I can’t stand riding fucking elevators every fucking place I go. They’re so goddamn slow! I’d much rather see a brief loading screen than have a long elevator ride that forces me to listen to some boring news report. It’s really frustrating and it seriously slows down the game.

Even if the elevators weren’t in the game, Mass Effect would still move very slowly. After seven hours I feel like I haven’t accomplished much at all. It’s like all I’m doing is moving from one poorly-designed location to another, trying to navigate confusing layouts while using a barely-functional mini-map, and talk-talk-talking to people about things I couldn’t care less about. But at least there’s shooting, right? Wrong.

Combat is another technical problem. Whether you’re on foot or in your big six-wheeled land-rover thingy, combat sucks. It’s not fun. I just want to shoot dudes and get it over with. There’s a radial menu of special abilities that I try to ignore as much as possible. I don’t care about that stuff and I don’t want to bother with it. I’m playing on the Casual difficulty setting and I have the game set to auto-assign experience points to my party members. I’m only interested in Mass Effect’s story and I have zero interest in micro-managing skills points. That kind of stuff does nothing for me.

Mass EffectAt this point you’re probably thinking to yourself “Gee, he must really dislike this game.” Well, you’d be half-right. I dislike a lot of it, but I find the characters, dialogue and story compelling enough to keep playing. Sure, I find a good deal of what the side characters have to say to be pointless and boring, but the major characters are pretty interesting. I really like the main character, Commander Shepard (my Shepard is a tough-talkin’ soldier lady). And I really like most of my ship’s crew. It’s obvious a lot of thought went into creating these characters and to try making them into believable personalities. They’re all pretty neat.

So I’m going to continue trudging along, exploring the galaxy and visiting mostly-bland new worlds. As long as I get to keep talking to interesting people, make some compelling moral choices and eventually bang a hot alien lady, things should be A-OK. Expect to read more whining as I continue my adventure!

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I’m not sure what this trailer’s all about since I didn’t play the first game. But who cares because, dude, it has alien pole dancers. ALIEN POLE DANCERS. See for yourself!

And scifi nerds everywhere jizz themselves.

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